Heartbreaks Aren't Easy


You ever seen a movie where the girls falls in love in one month and she’s already picking baby names and planning her wedding coz she found ‘the one’
That girl is me! All the time! I love to love!

First time I was inlove….I picked flowers, dresses, honeymoon destinations, baby names I even went to one of those baby face apps and matched me and my ex’s faces together  to check if we would have an ugly baby..( I do that in month 2 of dating you Im sorry, I cant take any chances) The apps are sickening accurate, I tried it on my sister and her hubby (I’m sorry Lydia and Rahim, I was just checking) and my niece was so close to the apps prediction image!
Yes I love to love and I go overboard sometimes its my bad habit because when you put in such high expectation its so easy to be broken and Oh Lawd was I broken in tiny little pieces when our 2 yr on and off charades ended…
I drank a bottle of wine every single night! Every single night! Because I couldn’t sleep! Yes, I was slowly becoming a tinsy bitsy alcoholic….and I would hide when I drink because I didn’t want anyone to know how bad I was doing, I was angry. Very angry. The anger was extreme! I would treat people terribly  I was rude and mean gosh I was toxic! It took me a while to get rid of it, a nun walked up to me at a certain office, I had rudely cut off a line and answered the man infront of me in the worst possible way and left the whole crowd in amazement.. she walked up to me and asked ' Why are you so angry? Forgive them, whoever it is, its not worth it' It was like an epiphany..I moved to another region..traveled all across the region to see what I can do to help the community, involved myself with all sorts of projects to keep myself busy. And Gosh I was busy. But I was still broken angry. And you know the saying ;hurt people , hurt…people' Its damn right accurate. The first guy I dated after that merry go round I messed him up like no ones business. I treated him so bad I cant even bring myself to forgive me for how I treated him till date. Then I noticed, I was doing to him the same things that had been done to me. Pain is a chain. It is.
  I was hurt and I was vulnerable and much worse, I was scared, I was scared of every single man I met, I was scared of men in the street I was scared of men at church I was scared of all men, at one point I cancelled out the forever after happy neutral family thoughts that I used to look upto, I didn’t even want to hear it, I told my very born again mother that I don’t think I like men anymore ..long story short …I was in a church having the devil cursed out of me ..Oh mom hahaha… . I didn’t trust anyone and in my little mind I was protecting myself. I build a wall so high even the wind couldn’t come above it.
Heartbreaks are hard, they can ruin you….people will think you’re crazy you’re insane. I had a cousin who thought she was helping me by telling me what he was doing, letting me know he was moving on she didn’t even know how hurtful she was being,  I learned, when people are hurt, don’t try help, don’t try give them advice, let them hurt, let them heal and most all. Listen to them..dont give advice don’t tell them what to do. Just listen….I had a friend I used to complain to…every single damn week I call him complaining about how angry I was….He has no idea  but his no judgement listening kept me sane hahaaha
Long story short It took me a year to get it together…then the most terrible thing happened. Dating got difficult for me, Its like I went back to the girl who was straight from high school who was nervous when she saw a boy…I had a lot of guy friends mind you, its just ..the dating part. Oh Lawd… I would fidget and stutter and talk without making sense, I was always very nervous…Once I was on a dinner date I dropped the whole plate of food on my dress with my butter fingers  and as I stood up to go get cleaned up I slipped and landed on a piano in the restaurant, I'm just lucky Mbeya restaurants never have big crowds..there were only 2 other people in the restaurant.  It was bad, I was grown woman and I was acting like a teenager..all nervous and fidgety, I wrote him a long message excusing myself and embarrassingly tried to slip out the kitchen door (damn waiter told on me)… he caught me at the parking lot trying to escape I was an inch close to running, luckily the man accepted my weirdness wholeheartedly and we went back inside to finish dinner ...haha
Heartbreak can totally change you..its tough out there when you wear your  heart on a sleeve. So be careful with people’s hearts…
But the let me lighten up your heart by telling you  a little story about the one man I love unconditionally ….When I was young,  my father used to give me these tiny little pills whenever I was sick, he used to say they would make me feel better. So whenever I was sick and  from the hospital I would eat my meals take my meds and finish up with the magic pills he specifically got for me whenever I was sick, he used to say they treated everything and anything, this went on till I was 5 years old…until  about  when I was 8, I hadn’t been sick for a while and those pills used to taste so good. So I stayed home that day and played sick, I pulled his leg so he wont go to work I rolled on the floor and cried so hard the neighbors heard, trying to convince him I was sick and  I needed those magic pills, my mother saw right through me she didn’t even give me the time. But my father oh my, he carried me rubbed my tears and demanded they make me soup… felt my forehead and demanded my mother take me to the hospital ..’Oh no Dad I need the pills they will make me better again’ When he declined I started crying and complaining again..’my tummy, my head they hurt so bad, please give me the magic pills’ Gosh I cried so hard, and so he did, he went out to the nearest pharmacy (as he told me) and got the pills. When he got back he gave me one pill. I took it in and sprung up saying I felt  better already. I drank my soup and he asked me if I would be able to go to school tomorrow…I said yes. Whenever I played sick he without argument gave me 1 magic pill. Until I was old enough to forget about them. 10 years later, I was abroad for  college,  my first year, I was walking around in a supermarket and saw something Odd…It’s the pills! I screamed! The pills! I went to the counter paid for them and immediately started to chew em on them..bringing back memories of when I was young...but I was just so curious! What were the pills doing at a super market?? So I asked the lady at the counter..'what are these?'
‘They’re  called Tic Tacs!’ She said  I took a picture and sent him an email ‘You knew?’  he called and laughed for 10 minutes straight!
Is it too late for  fathers day story?...